These have often been made when we were young. They can blaze a trail for our wrong choices in life. These come in the form of statements like “I will never get married,” “I will never have children,” “I will never let anyone get close to me again,” and “No one will ever hurt me again.”

A vow is a solemn promise that commits us to a behavior, a course of action, or a way of thinking. Vows become part of our belief system. We bind and hinder ourselves with vows such as “I’ll never get married” or “I’ll never have children” or “I’ll never trust a man again.”

What about good vows? When we do sin and then vow, “I will never do this again,” we have good intentions, but we immediately condemn ourselves. When we vow never to do it again and then break the vow, we have failed to live up to our own standards. When we break God’s standards, we can go to Him for forgiveness and redemption. Where can we go when we fail against our own standards? We are stuck. Therefore, even vows with the best of intentions can lead us into condemnation and shame. I know your next question. What about a marriage vow? Marriage vows are fine if you don’t break or violate the vow. Then you will need ministry. “If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.” (Numbers 30:2)

Brother Lawrence was a man who pursued holiness with an amazing zeal. He came to a clear understanding of both his own powerlessness against sin and the redeeming work of the cross. His biographer wrote about Brother Lawrence: “When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault, saying to God, ‘I shall never do otherwise if you leave me to myself; it is you who must hinder my falling and mend what is aimless.’ After this he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.”²

Inner Vows

An inner vow is an unspoken determination we have made in our heart. Inner vows are different from spoken vows in that they are nonverbal and therefore go frequently undetected. Either form of vow can exert equal power in our lives. They can arise from traumatic life experiences and often occur very early in life. An inner vow made as a child can settle deep in our heart, where it lies forgotten by our conscious mind but continues to guide the course of our life. A distinctive mark of an inner vow is a strong resistance to change; consequently, we rarely outgrow them. Inner vows have the power to blaze a trail for decisions we make in our adult lives and can direct the course of our life the same way that a railroad track directs a train. “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)

Inner vows may be at the root of—or work together with—compulsive behavior, bitter root judgments, hidden resentments, fears, and woundedness. Make no mistake, inner vows are often the missing key to one’s healing. The stubborn resistance to change, until recognized and broken, may be what blocks release in other areas.

Most of us are completely unaware of the many vows we’ve made in adolescence. Most of them are never spoken out loud but instead are decisions of the heart. We observe how others are living, how those close to us hurt one another, or the mistakes others have made, and in our heart, we make a vow about something, which then continues to direct our choices in life even after we have forgotten the events that led us to make the vow in the first place. Many times, the behavior we don’t understand in ourselves is the result of an inner vow we made in our youth.

While Carla and I were working in Chile, we came across a young man who, because of his life experience, had vowed never to get married and never to have children. As a result of this vow, he had arranged for his girlfriend to have four abortions. His vow was causing devastating consequences for not only himself but others as well. A young woman we met in Chile had suffered through such difficulty in her relationships with young men that she eventually opted to give up on heterosexual relationships and began to pursue same-sex relationships exclusively. To willingly engage in habitual sin will never bring about healing, because we are shutting out the Holy Spirit, who is the only source of complete healing.

Inner vows can have tremendous power over us until we identify them and renounce them. We ministered to a husband who had made a detrimental vow when he was eighteen years old. His fiancée had broken up with him and married another man. As a result of that rejection, he vowed never to let anyone get close to him again. This was a defense mechanism, caused by a fear of rejection. His wife of thirty years was in the room when he revealed the vow, he’d made all those years ago. She gasped and made a sound like she’d been hit in the stomach and said, “No wonder we’ve had such a difficult time becoming one in our relationship.” He had committed adultery with more than thirty-five other women during their thirty years of marriage. His fear of rejection, which prompted the vow, prevented him from trusting God, which never allowed him and his wife to become one flesh as God had intended. The man’s wife ran into Carla by chance a few years later. She thanked my wife for the ministry they’d received and said their marriage was made new. “I love my husband,” she exclaimed, “and my husband loves me!”

Inner vows can also prevent us from forgiving ourselves. Saying “I’ll never forgive myself,” removes God from the judgment seat and counts as nothing the sacrifice Jesus made at the cross. If we have vowed to never forgive ourselves, we will never be free from regrets of the past. I would encourage you to pray and break the vow so you can receive the grace to forgive yourself.

Bitter Root Judgments

Bitter root judgments are judgments we make about others. For example, “I will never be like my mother” and “I will never marry someone like my dad” are judgments made because of our resentment toward someone who has hurt us. If a young girl, for example, lives under a critical father, she may judge all men to be critical by nature and treat them accordingly.

Example 1: We ministered to a woman who had made a vow never to marry someone like her dad. When she came to us, she was on her second marriage, and she was experiencing the same things she had watched her mother tolerate for so long with her father. She was angry at her present husband, but she was much angrier with herself. She had also vowed that she would not be like her mother and tolerate abuse in her own relationships. After working with us and being led through the redemption, her relationship with her husband improved considerably.

Example 2: Another woman had been molested by her father. She had made the vows, “No man will ever tell me what to do,” “I will never submit to a man,” and “I will never respect a man.” You can guess how her life and marriage were going. She was able to break the bitter root judgments and began to respect her husband. Life improved a great deal in that home.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. ² For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. (Matthew 7:1-2). “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, also do to them, for this is the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)The laws of God will operate whether we are aware of them or not—whether we believe them or not.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. (Galatians 6:7) This is another law of God that is as certain as Newton’s law of gravity. When we sow a seed of judgment against another, it has the potential to multiply and cause much torment in our lives. The longer a judgment continues unrepented and unconfessed, the greater the power it accumulates.

Judgment is made and registered in the spirit. It becomes an expectation, such as “that is the way parents are” or “that is the way men are” or “that is the way authorities are.” These judgments are referred to as “bitter root” because they are created and fostered out of unforgiveness.

      When we harbor a bitter root judgment against someone, the same judgment is projected into our other relationships, especially close ones such as marriage. There is often a negative expectation that our spouse (or others) will show the same characteristics as the person we have harbored judgment against. states: “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15, NIV)

      We can also project a similar judgment onto God. We can know in our mind the truth about God’s character, but our heart may have trouble believing it. Our perception of God is based on life experiences with people in authority, and instead of believing God’s character to be as the Bible describes it, we can project aspects of their character onto Him.