By Gary Heese

“Life is all about relationships, everything else is just details”

 Listening Skills

Years ago, my wife Carla and I started a class in our local church called “The Equipping Workshop” for the purpose of training helpers to be effective in ministry. The first three weeks of the class is focused on teaching listening skills. We learned in our own training that listening was crucial for being effective in ministry. In this class our students quickly learned effective listening skills is an essential basic for healthy relationships. Especially within the family.

Benefits of Listening

In every class we were getting testimonies from our helpers about how when they began listening to their husband young or adult children, their relationship made a huge turn for the positive. I remember one lady began listening to her 23-year-old son, instead of giving advice or telling him he shouldn’t have done that. She would just listen. Her son began calling just to visit, which hadn’t happened for five years. She was so excited; she began telling her friends about the class.

I remember one wife came to me for help one day when I was the Care pastor at our church. She just wanted her husband to hear her. On her next visit, she brought her husband. I began to share with him how his wife would like to be able to talk to him. He was a salesman, so his knee jerk response was “that’s great I love to talk”. My response was “I think that is the problem”. I could see about then, he wanted to punch me. Because my response was such a blow to him. “Your wife, the same as anyone in life, just wants to be heard.” Please if this is you, take time to listen.

I have a good friend, Mark, who also took our class. He took his 13-year-old son hunting one Saturday. His son started talking about something that happened at school that week. All Mark did was ask, “how did you feel about that?” Mark told me his son talked more to him that day than he had in the last three or four years combined.

Another good friend who took our class worked in HVAC repairs and installations. After learning these skills, he became top in sales in the company he was working for. The owners even asked him to train the other technicians in these listening skills.

Healthy Listening Skills

The basics in healthy listening skills should express three basic elements, warmth, empathy, and respect. If you are only interested in what you want to say next you are not listening. If you are interrupting and giving advice you are not showing respect. If you listen to a person long enough, you earn the right to share too. If you really want to hear your partner or friend’s heart, learn to be comfortable with silence. When there is a pause in the conversation, it is not an invitation for you to talk. It’s an invitation to wait, the person you are in a relationship with will go deeper if you give them that chance. It is necessary they know they are in a safe place, and you really care.

Are You Safe?

Another basis for a good relationship is for both of you to be a safe place for your partner. Can your partner have a question or share a concern without a reaction from you that is emotionally charged. When that kind of reaction is common no one is safe to say what they think or how they feel. A relationship can no grow in that kind of environment.