In our first year of working in the healing ministry, we noticed a common theme among the seekers we were working with: they had many misconceptions and many definitions of forgiveness. There are several misunderstandings of what forgiveness is among both people within the church and those outside the church. Most of these misunderstandings are, in truth, an excuse not to forgive, even though Jesus commands that we must forgive. Many people in the body of Christ have adopted these convenient ways of avoiding His command. In order for us to truly walk-through forgiveness in the way Christ is asking us, we must walk through the pain of the offense. The following are some of the different rungs on the ladder of forgiveness:

I Can’t Forgive

A woman in her fifties approached my wife and me one evening after church service for prayer. She harbored unforgiveness and bitterness toward one of her daughters. Her daughter was living with a man she was not married to and had borne the man’s child. The most difficult thing for the mother to accept, though, was the fact that her daughter was involved with a black man. The woman told us she could not forgive her daughter. Besides the fact that this woman was judging her daughter, she was in bondage because of her inability to forgive. We listened and eventually asked the woman if she was willing to ask God for His grace to begin forgiving. She prayed and asked for God’s grace. In less than a minute, she began to pray and extend forgiveness toward her daughter.

God’s grace is an amazing thing. It flows in abundance, and it reaches whoever asks for it. We have seen the grace of God cleanse many hearts, minds, and spirits, and all we have to do is ask for it in earnest, then yield.

Sometimes people make vows: “I will never forgive ….” In such cases, the person will be unable to forgive until the vow is identified and renounced. Some have made a vow never to forgive themselves. When in prayer, this can also be renounced, and the power of the vow broken. Forgiving ourselves may be necessary before any healing can take place.

I Can’t Forgive. It Would Be a Betrayal

Mary Sue was twenty-eight years old. Her short, dishwater-blond hair capped a very thin frame. She was very outgoing and worked with our outreach program in the rehab facility. She asked to meet with my wife and me because she was having a difficult time working in the rehab ministry at the time. Her problem was that the rehab center was too much like home. As she told us her story, we learned that her father was an alcoholic. Mary Sue’s situation was further complicated because her mother regularly informed her of the problems the parents were having in their relationship. Her mother shared with Mary Sue the details of extramarital affairs her father had engaged in and other behaviors that damaged their relationship as well. Mary Sue’s mother pulled her into the relationship more as a friend than as the child. Mary Sue eventually began to resent her father, which affected her relationships with males as a young adult.

We began walking her through some hurts she had received from her mother, and she prayed and forgave her mother of several wrongs. We then asked her if she could begin forgiving her father. “I can’t forgive my dad,” she said. “I would be betraying my mother.”

Mary Sue had what is called a “fused relationship” with her mother. She had been drawn in as a confidante and as a result had formed an alliance with her mother against her father. She had taken on the role of protector and possibly even felt responsible for her mother. Now, at the age of twenty-eight, it was long past time for her to stop carrying her mother’s burdens. A week later we prayed with her, and she forgave her father.

This is an example of bondage often found within a fused relationship. The child assumes ownership of the offended parent’s suffering and an alliance is formed between the offended parent and the child against the offending party. Later in life, the adult child finds herself unable to forgive the other parent—in Mary Sue’s, case her father—without feeling as though she is betraying her mother. Mary Sue was able to forgive her father as soon as she put the responsibility for her mother into the Lord’s hands, allowing Him to be her mother’s protector instead of assuming that responsibility for herself.

I’ll Forgive, When They Ask Me

Jesus commands us to forgive unconditionally. A person’s repentance is not a requirement for us to forgive them.

I’ll Forgive Them, But I’ll Have Nothing to do With Them

In some cases, this could simply be a way to punish the other person or a way to exact vengeance. In either case, forgiveness has not truly taken place. This happens all too often in the church. Scripture commands us to find reconciliation and be reunited. This doesn’t happen in many instances; instead, we hear, “The Lord is leading us to another church,” as the offended party evades the command in favor of holding on to the human inclination to hold grudges. It should be made clear, however, there are situations such as domestic violence, or other forms of abuse, when it is wise to forgive but maintain healthy boundaries or distance in the relationship.

I’ll Forgive Them, but I’ll Never Trust Them

This is sometimes a wise or necessary boundary, but it can also be another way to get revenge. If we vow never to trust, we never will. Believe it or not, trust, like forgiveness, eventually comes down to a choice. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV) that love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Of course, in some cases it is a reasonable expectation that the offending person repent, change, and display consistent, appropriate behavior. However, when the one who was hurt says, “I’ll never trust again,” it may only be a way to punish or get revenge. Obviously, any marriage will have difficulty recovering if a spouse says, “I forgive them, but I don’t know if I can ever trust again.”

There are natural exceptions, such as a case of child sexual abuse. We do not recommend the risk of trusting a father who had molested his daughter to the point where he is left alone with his grandchildren.

I Forgive Them, but They Owe Me

We once ministered to a woman who suffered greatly at the hands of her father. When we met her, she was sixty years old. She was married with children of her own. Her story was horrible. When her teenage brothers went to their father and asked him to teach them about sex, he told them, “You have two sisters. Learn from them.” She went on to describe other injustices in her family and how she was mistreated. When asked if she had forgiven her father, she said she had forgiven him. I then asked, “Do you feel like he owes you anything?”

She immediately responded, “You bet he owes me. He owes me respect, he owes me shoes without holes in them for school, he owes me taking me on his lap and telling me he loves me; he owes me …; he owes me ….” The list went on.

I waited a minute after she finished and said, “I’m sorry, but that is not forgiveness.” After allowing that to settle for a minute, I asked her, “Would you like to pray and forgive each one of these specific issues?” She did.

All seekers must come to a place where we can pray, “I forgive, and he/she owes me nothing.” When we look at the bottom line of the ledger, we must see a balance due of zero. Instead of focusing on what it costs us to forgive—which is what Satan wants us to focus on—we are better served to assess what it costs us if we refuse to forgive those who have hurt us the most. Forgiveness is the economy of the heart: it saves us the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, and the waste of our spirits.¹

I Forgive, but I Want Justice

This is an area which often needs to be addressed with survivors of incest, rape, or other violent crimes that seemingly go unpunished. Although the world declares that we have the right to see a perpetrator come to justice, our need to see justice done can hinder our ability to forgive. Jesus willingly laid down all His rights as the Son of God and died on the cross for all sin. When we demand justice, we are taking the place of God as judge. All who sit in judgment of others will have to give an account of this to God in the end. We are wise to let God be the judge. He alone is qualified.

I Forgive Them, but I Want Revenge

In the same way our need for justice can hinder forgiveness, our need for revenge can have the same effect. Scripture specifically tells us that vengeance is God’s, and He will repay. His word guarantees that in the end, no one will get away with anything. We can forgive a person on multiple levels, but if we are still hoping for an opportunity for revenge, we have not completely forgiven them. Our time on earth is fleeting compared to eternity. It’s simply not prudent to willingly hold on to something on earth only to pay the cost for eternity.

I Can Forgive, Because…

To say, “I can forgive because …” is an act of adult reasoning or justifying wrong behavior, rather than a place of actual forgiveness. Some examples of this include: “I can forgive because he didn’t mean to …,” or “He was drunk at the time,” or “My mother had a terrible childhood,” or “She did the best she could.” None of these express the true meaning of forgiveness. In fact, they devalue forgiveness. They are excuses we make for another’s wrong behavior.

When we assume the other person made a conscious choice to do what they did against us, and we make a conscious choice to forgive them of the offense, we are truly beginning to forgive. Forgiveness is not rationalizing what happened to us as children. Neither is it finding ways to cope with or justify another’s behavior. The unfortunate reality is that the child within us is still hurting. We must acknowledge this fact. It is okay to acknowledge the pain from rejection, abuse, or neglect. There is only one way to be healed and set free from the pain: forgive so we can move on. I often suggest to a seeker that they should forgive the person as if that person did what they did intentionally (they made a choice, so it probably was intentional). This will greatly increase the value of the forgiveness.