The Choices

One of the bondages that is often difficult for seekers to recognize or release is a relationship from the past that has been lost. Seekers may feel the loss but have difficulty moving on. Some may go through a time of depression, because they don’t know how to handle the loss.  Others might build up walls to protect themselves from another disappointment or hurt in a relationship. They withdraw form others and isolate. Or they may make a vow never to let anyone get close to them again. Some even choose to self-medicate in any number of ways.

None of these is a healthy choice. I have done ministry with many who are stuck in one or more of these ways of pain from a lost relationship.

A Variety of Losses 

One was a middle-aged woman who lost her mother. She shared with me how her mother was her best friend with whom she shared everything. She felt lost, and she felt she had nowhere to turn. She was hanging on to the right to this relationship and angry with God for the loss.

One couple we were ministering to had an ongoing conflict, because the husband had had over thirty affairs in their thirty years of marriage. They came to our class for help. He shared in his ministry time that when he was eighteen his fiancé broke off their engagement. He instantly made a vow that he would never let anyone get close to him again.

We knew a girl while in middle school had her best friend move to another country. She was angry with God, because this wasn’t fair. She too was lost and needed someone to talk to about everything she was going through.

Several years after we returned from the mission field, I found myself having an overwhelming feeling of being home-sick combined with sadness. I realized it was a loss of relationship with some young men we had spent time with on construction projects in other countries. The problem was, at the time of departure, I did not take the time to grieve that loss. This same problem can exist with children who had no opportunity to grieve the loss of a family member.

I had one young man seek me for help about his depression, because his wife left and filed for divorce. She took off with another lady across country working in churches. He was stuck with the broken vows, the broken covenant of marriage and the loss of their ministry goals together.

I did ministry with a young woman who was a twin. Unfortunately, her sister had killed herself two years before. She shared how she was in her sister, and her sister was in her. She was continuing to hang onto that relationship as though her sister were still alive.

The pain of loss through divorce has often been compared to death. “Death would have been easier.”  Death can be explained while divorce is too complicated to explain. What caused it? Who was at fault? What could you have done? The years lost investing in the relationship…  The regrets and the collateral damage are all things to address with the Lord through prayer for healing.

I have also ministered to women who have had miscarriages or abortions. Most of them were carrying the responsibility for the lost infant years afterward. It was as though they were obligated to do so. This is a responsibility only the Lord can carry.

There are many relationships lost just because they are broken. For some that is a relief; for others there is regret. I have seen many addicts, for example, dwell on their regrets until the only solution is to just have another drink. The broken relationship can sometimes be repaired with forgiveness or repentance or both.

One lost relationship that has significant impact is that of abandonment by a parent. This loss has lasting effects on a child long into their adult years. Much of a child’s identity is received from the parent relationship. Abandonment can cause a hole in one’s heart that only God can fill. There is another abandonment often overlooked because the parent was always there. When a parent is not emotionally present for the children – especially in an alcoholic home, – it is still abandonment.

A parent lost to a step-family is another very painful loss. Watching a dad spend time with and financially providing step-children with needs such as college, cars and clothes, while the biological child has no financial assistance for the same is a huge injustice to deal with.

There are other relationships which are disappointing because of unmet expectations. One partner may invest emotional energy and hope into a relationship that is just not growing or changing. I have known adult children who go home on holidays to visit mom and dad hoping to receive affirmation or approval. Instead they receive the same criticism or judgment they did when they lived at home. These are the ones I hear the comment, “It is what it is.”

Moving On

How do the ones in bondage get free? We must go back to the principles of “Forgiveness” and “Relinquishment”.

With many of these losses, there may also be a need to grieve the loss or forgive. This is an important part of the process before releasing the other person to the Lord.

Some can get free by releasing the right to that relationship to the Lord. They may also relinquish or release the individual to the Lord.

Those who are taking responsibility for another can release that burden to the Lord.

It may be necessary to break vows made after a lost relationship.

If you acknowledge that you have closed your spirit to others or to the possibility of another close relationship, it may be time to choose to open your spirit.

Turning to God

Whatever the loss is, the beginning of moving on is turning to the Lord for healing. Confess to Him, “God this hurts… I need you to come into my heart and heal the pain of this lost relationship.”