The one class I enjoy teaching the most is a training class for ministry leaders. We have been teaching this class for many years. In this class the first three weeks is all about developing listening skills. What I enjoy the most about this part of the class is the testimonies we hear from those who begin to practice listening in their family. I will continue doing this class if only for the way it impacts family relationships.

The first story I want to share is from one of my friends who began practicing these skills with his middle school son. He only asked the boy “how did you feel when that happened”. The boy took off talking and went on for 20 minutes. It was the longest communication he had gotten from his son for weeks. Another friend began using these skills at work. In a short time he was top in sales in his company. His company asked him to train the other technicians Listening skills. One mother in a recent class came to class the third night and shared since she stopped giving advice and telling her adult son what to do, he now calls frequently just to visit. He never did that before. She now has a relationship with her son. I attribute the success of the ministry we do is mostly because of the listening skills our leaders and helpers use in ministry.

Do you listen to the ones that mean the most to you? The most effective way you can show them value is to really show interest and take time to listen.
Do you listen long enough to understand them? When a person is sharing a concern they often come to their own solution if you just listen.
Do you interrupt them when they are talking so you can express your opinion? Most often they are not asking for an opinion or advise, they are wanting, someone to listen to them.
When they are talking, are you thinking about what you want to say or are you listening? You will certainly display disinterest and disrespect in this way.
Can you allow them to have their own feelings and beliefs? Carla and I did pre-marital with a couple who were describing a typical conflict. When having a discussion she could easily share her feelings and what she believed about a subject. Her problem in these times was he would not talk. I asked him if this was ever a problem in his past. He said “since he was 8 years old when he tried to share how he felt and what he believed his mother told him “what you feel and what you believe doesn’t matter”. Now when he encounters someone with a strong opinion he shuts down.
When you don’t understand what they are trying to say do you ask for clarification? Asking for clarification shows certain concern and care for them.
Do you show respect? Many of the above do not show respect.
Can you listen long enough to show you care about them? When we listen to a person long enough we earn the right to speak into their lives. Why? Because when they feel cared for they will listen to you.
Are you empathetic with your responses? Another way to show real care.
Or is your first response to criticize and put down? Criticism, putdowns and sarcasm especially in front of others, is defined as emotional abuse.
Do you try to get your point across by preaching? I have seen parents preach to their kids, when the preaching starts the kid’s shutdown and eventually close their spirit.
You see, when you listen to your significant other long enough to understand and allow them to share how they feel about a problem and allow them to be heard. You are showing respect. When you empathize with them you show care. When you can comfort them you show warmth. Warmth, Empathy and Respect are keys to healthy communication and to a healthy relationship.

A large majority of couples and family matters that have come to us for help, start by sharing, “we have a communication problem”. No… They don’t have a communication problem, they have a respect problem.

To improve your listening skills, you may refer to chapter four of my book, “Healing Beyond Counseling”.

You see, when you listen to your significant other long enough to understand and allow them to be heard and to share how they feel about a problem, you are showing respect. When you empathize with them, you show you care. When you can comfort them, you show warmth. Warmth, empathy, and respect are key to healthy communication and to healthy relationships.

To learn more about how to listen, you may find help in chapter four of my book, “Healing Beyond Counseling”.