I recently read an article in the magazine Christian Counseling Today and was reminded of the strategies I have used in the past to help couples struggling in their relationships. The article had several of the same ideas that I have found so helpful. It described how the flame in a marriage dies.

The relationship starts out with attraction toward one other. The flame ignites and grows through a good foundation of affirmation, affection, listening, and other gestures demonstrating love and respect to each other. However, if the fuel is removed, the flame starts to die. The same is true with a fire in the fireplace. It does not continue burning on its own. The expression I often hear is, “I feel like I have been taken for granted.”

Would you build a campfire and then leave it unattended, expecting it to keep burning through the night, so  you may cook on it in the morning?

What we have seen when working with some couples is beyond neglect or lack of attention. Rather, there is criticism, negative jabs, disapproving glares, and obvious statements or expression of disapproval. When you have come to this place of hostility, you are not just letting the flame die down, you are spraying it with a fire-hose.

If you find yourself in this place, please consider reviewing my earlier blogs to work your way out of this pit of despair.

“The most important task for couples rebuilding their foundation is to avoid fanning the flames of arguments that have been extinguished, and, instead, fan the flames of love and respect.”

Avoid focusing on the negative, nit-picking at the relationship, or wondering if you would be better off with someone else. I have seen the results of this approach. Too often, the next relationship will end from similar problems… or worse.

Set healthy boundaries with opposite sex relationships. Too many have confided in a friend of the opposite sex in the work-place about the problems at home, starting a relationship which drives an even larger wedge in an already strained marriage. Minimize your exposure to situations that can cause temptation.

I have met with many couples who, because of difficulties in their marriage, go to their default setting: to have an affair to correct the problem at home. Following that betrayal, the betrayed spouse also has a default setting. They have their own affair to make things even.

Why do we make the worst choices when it comes to matters of the heart? When your relationship is in trouble, don’t complicate it further. Please, get help.

I have been there. My wife and I have done everything wrong in a relationship that a couple could do. I think that is why we have been able to help the many others we have helped. When our relationship was at its lowest, I received hope through a hymn I learned to play on my guitar: “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…” I played this song over and over. Some days, I played it dozens of times. The Lord led us to a place to get help. It healed our marriage, as well as our relationship with our children. What I share with you in my book and the blogs on my website, is the truth and principals from God’s word. If you apply His principles in all your relationships, you will find that peace you have been looking for.

BEHAVIORS THAT CAN PUT OUT THE FLAME

Name calling Swearing

Yelling Degrading comments

Mimicking Put-downs

Lying/deceitfulness Sarcasm

Using information, you have revealed against you. Blaming

Guilt-producing statements “You are not okay” statements.

Contradicting Irrational questioning

Twisting your words Calling you “Crazy”