When we fail to live up to expected standards or social values in our family or social group, we experience guilt and shame. Shame is sometimes the consequence of dishonor. We have dishonored our parents, ourselves, or the body of Christ. We also experience shame if we have been dishonored by another person.
The Promise
“Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 5:16).
To honor means “to respect or esteem.” This passage holds a promise for honoring our parents. This is the first commandment that carries with it a promise. However, from poor choices in life, we experience the opposite: consequences of shame through dishonor. We might dishonor our family by sins we commit, and even if the family is not aware of our sin, we experience shame, nevertheless. This seems to occur like the balancing of an equation and is only corrected or justified by applying God’s principles through the power of the cross.
Where You Came From
A person may carry shame for yearsif raised in a Christian home, or a home with high values or expectations, and has fallen short of those high values. We can also experience shame resulting from deep wounds of rejection, and others can develop an intense feeling of shame because of their past home environment.
For those who have shame because of their home environment I want to share this encouraging word. “Where you came from is not who you have to be.”
Atonement
The absence of an outward expression of love, such as physical touch, verbal and nonverbal affirmation, or simply an inadequate relationship with parents can cause a person to feel shame. Children in a dysfunctional home often grow up believing they are unworthy of love or inadequate in some way. Others may grow up in a home environment of perfectionism and feel they can never measure up. Even though we have received forgiveness from God, we continue trying to be perfect to atone for our sins. Obviously, this is a futile endeavor because none of us can atone for our sins; only what Jesus did for us through His death and resurrection can accomplish that.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
It is necessary to understand the difference between guilt and shame to understand the bondage of shame. Guiltis the feeling experienced when we sin against God or break God’s law; shameis the feeling experienced when we break, or don’t live up to, the law or social standards of our human environment. We can feel shame if we don’t live up to our own expectations or personal standards as well. Guilt is acknowledging that “I did something bad.” Shame is the belief that “I am bad.”
The Cause
Many will ask God to forgive them but will not experience complete freedom because they have not been released from the shame. This can be the result of dishonoring oneself, one’s family, or even the body of Christ.
Shame Brought on by Sins Committed against Us
Some people are completely crippled by shame because of abuse they suffered as children—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. It is not uncommon for children to carry the shame of another person’s sin against them into their adult lives. The painful reality is that we carry shame because of abuse that has been perpetrated against us, which means we suffer the pain many times over. Fallout from the shame results in our believing ourselves unworthy: unworthy of love, unworthy of respect … the feeling that we don’t matter or we are worthless. Most people who deal with this kind of shame may reject themselves and struggle with self-hatred. The belief system of shame can lead to the type of self-loathing that causes eating disorders or “cutting.” Shame can also result in demonic oppression, hopelessness, despair, and ultimately a tendency toward suicide.
False Guilt
When we can extend forgiveness to the one who has dishonored us, we can follow by renouncing the false guilt and shame inflicted by perpetrators and assumed by victims. Once this is accomplished, we are free to receive the honor meant for us as described in Isaiah 61:7: “Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore, in their land they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs.”
Redemption from the Sins We Committed
The good news is that Jesus took our shame to the cross as well as our sin. The redemption provided for us through the cross is clear. We first ask God to forgive us for dishonoring our family (considering the family values that have been violated). We may sense the need to ask a representative of the body of Christ to forgive us (providing the sin we feel shame about was committed after we accepted Christ). If we are still not free, we could also forgive ourselves for falling short (provided, of course, the standard is reasonable and not an unrealistic expectation set by ourselves or others). Finally, it can be helpful to ask our family members to forgive us for our sin as well.
Redemption from Sins Committed Against Us
We begin by forgiving the one who has sinned against us. We renounce the false guilt and the shame we are carrying. We may need to break soul ties or inappropriate authority or both. We may need to accept and acknowledge, “This is the family from which I came, but it does not have to be who I am today.” We must find our identity in Christ and what He has done for us, so we can become a vital, living member of the body of Christ. As we put on our new selves in Christ, we assume our new identity, no longer driven by shame but secure in who we are.
Redemption from Ourselves
You can be your own worst enemy … but you already know that, right? Some of the lies you believe are from the enemy, but some you have conjured up all on your own.
“As far as the Devil is concerned, the next best thing to keeping you chained in spiritual darkness or having you live as an emotional wreck is confusing your belief system. He lost you in the eternal sense when you became a child of God. But, if he can muddy your mind and weaken your faith with partial truths, he can neutralize your effectiveness for God and stunt your growth as a Christian.” (Neil Anderson, Victory over the Darkness)
I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes …For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.” (Romans 1:16–17)